Drama! Angst! And Nail Polish!
by Auphanim
Summary: A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... There was a high school. And at that high school there was a fearsome group of cheerleaders, known only as Akatsuki. AU parody
1. Beginning

**This is** absolutely not my fault... Really. I promise.

**It's all crack**, so canon is nonexistant, kthnxbai.

**I don't own** Naruto

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_An Introduction to High School_

Ah, high school. It can mean so many things to so many people. Really! Honest to god, not one person can agree on what high school really is.

If you ask one of the gothtards- I mean, dark, mysterious teenagers, they'll say it was a spiraling black abyss of death that made them want to carve bad song lyrics into their souls. Also, it would probably send them on a tirade about gym class and cup sizes, and going to Senior Prom but hey; no one really cares.

If you ask one of the nerds, they'll probably go on and on about how many computer programs they learned, or how many times they were Dungeon Master during the three years they spend in high school – after all, who doesn't write that down? Of course, that leads to rants about dice and rolling and the stats of their 2,000 different characters. Yawn.

Moving on; if you ask a jock, it's not very likely that you'll get any sort of intelligent response at all. Probably something along the lines of 'there were so many head injuries, high school is just a blur of football games and hospitals'. Or if you catch one of the ones that ended up sweeping the floor at the nearest gas station, they'll whine and gripe about how they didn't do any school work. God, they're even more boring than the gothy-freaks.

Now, if you ask one of the cheerleaders… Oh boy, you'll never hear the end of it. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. You'll hear all about her sex life and her school life and all the cool little things she did. Walking for Cancer, Running for Poverty, Ice Skating for Pneumonia; the list will go on and on until you want to bash either her head or your own into the nearest solid object and not stop until there's a bloody smear of bone and brains. Long winded brats.

Why am I telling you this? Well, some might say there isn't a point, and some would be almost right. This has been explaining the social classes of high school. Of course, there are more, but the others aren't blazing stereotypes and therefore weren't included.

If you were to say now, 'why, dear author, way to think ahead! I believe I am fully prepared for what's coming next now!' I would very much have to respond with something along the lines of 'no, you brain dead idiot who I love very much for reading this! You are not prepared!'

And why?

Because, this high school story, unlike the myriad of others littering this particular section of the internet, is not about Naruto or Sasuke. GASP. Take a moment to let that sink in. Not. About. Naruto. Or. Sasuke. That means no 12-year-old boy sex for you. None! You are being taken off of your daily dose of Naru/Sasu-wai-wai-chan KAWAII ness.

This story is about a little group called Akatsuki. Who just happens to fit into that last group we talked about a few paragraphs back. Do you remember? Go ahead and scroll up if you blocked it out.

….

Yes. That's why you weren't prepared.

Drama! Angst! And Nail Polish!

Uchiha Itachi was curled in his bed, sleeping peacefully as the night slowly became morning. His pajamas were bright pink, and his hair was up in pigtails, a happy little smile on his face as he enjoyed whatever deranged dream was prancing about in his mind.

Usually, Itachi wasn't one to smile. In fact, one might go so far as to say that Itachi had no facial expressions. Even when cheering on the team, he was decidedly uninterested, though he did the movements fabulously. Still, somehow his facial muscles had bucked up the courage the unite and smile. Too bad that smile only lasted for about a minute, as the alarm clock next to his bed suddenly went off as the numbers displayed '5:31'.

Itachi liked to wake up to a prime number.

A pale hand darted out from the covers, slamming on the black button atop the alarm clock before a head emerged, sleepy eyes staring at the numbers on the clock. He seemed content to stare for a while, before something clicked in his mind and he immediately perked up; first day of school.

The eldest, and by-far more perfect, Uchiha sibling stood up and pulled his hair down out of the pigtails he always slept in, shaking his hair out before going over to his closet and grabbing the clothes he picked out last night, looking over it thoughtfully before throwing it onto his bed and digging in the closet until he found a whole new outfit for the day.

Seriously, what the hell had he been thinking yesterday, picking out that trash? He sent a glare towards the pile on the bed. Maybe he'd gotten high with Kisame yesterday. Again. Hopefully.

Still, he wasn't about to let one lousy fashion moment ruin his first day returning to the beloved Konoha High School for Gifted Children and/or Children Who Have Been Kicked Out of Every Other School; KHSGCCWHBKOEOS for short, though many just called it Konoha.

The teen hopped into the shower, immediately turning on the hot water and going through the task of washing his body of the grime it had collected over the night. He got out as soon as he could, hoping there would be enough time to style his hair before leaving for school today; he didn't want to look a hot mess in front of his friends.

So he got out, brushed his teeth, blow dried his hair, powdered his nose, got dressed, and pranced downstairs, a shimmering embodiment of perfection clothed in AmberZombie and Lich. Itachi didn't smile however; didn't seem to even notice. In fact, he merely grabbed his backpack and slipped on his shoes.

"Foolish Little Brother, get your ass down here," he called up the stairs, getting a heated 'I hate your fucking guts' back from his sweet little angel of a brother. Itachi would've rolled his eyes, if facial expressions were his thing, but he merely looked up the stairs. "Get down here."

Sasuke gloomily tromped down the stairs, an almost tangible cloud of ANGST and MISUNDERSTOODNESS hanging around him. Itachi fixed him with a look that said 'stop moping and get in the car before I leave you here' as he sulkily grabbed his backpack and pulled his shoes on.

Sasuke started saying something, but Itachi tuned him out, merely walking out the door and getting into his car. The younger boy followed him and sat down in the passenger seat, making Itachi wonder how one person could look so offended by a car.

"Put your seatbelt on."

"I hate you."

Thus, their brotherly moment ended, Itachi stepped on the gas and proceeded to be the worst driver in the history of the Earth, speeding, going off the road, hitting old ladies; all without getting the police's attention. Damn, he was good.

He parked the car perfectly in the school parking lot, reaching into the backseat and grabbing his backpack before getting out of the car.

"Lock the door behind you."

"I'm going to kill you."

Still ignoring the heartfelt words of his baby brother, Itachi swung his backpack onto one shoulder and walked off, heading for the front of the school. There, he found the little clique that he belonged to. Well, it wasn't so little, really – the entire school population knew them – but there were actually only a few people considered part of it.

Itachi sat down on the table next to Kisame, setting down his backpack while Deidara finished up his story about one thing or another and Sasori put the puppet he'd been working on away. Hidan and Kakuzu were quietly fighting about something – probably religion – but it wasn't as heated as the fights usually were.

"All right guys," Rei-sama said, clicking off his cell phone as he ended his conversation. "Did you all get my message about purple nail polish?"

Immediately, then all stuck their hands in, displaying the dark polish on all their nails (even Kisame and Kakuzu's). Rei-sama smiled behind the shadow cast by his hat, hiding his face.

"Great. Purple nail polish is… sooooo in right now."

"Word," the others said, for the most part, together. Except one.

"Unnn."

Rei-sama turned his head, glaring at the blue-eyed blond. Deidara suddenly looked a bit sheepish and gave the shadowy figure a small smile.

"Deidara… what the hell?"

"Just ignore him, you know he's an idiot," Sasori said, rolling his eyes. Deidara smiled at his partner, leaning against the puppet maker slightly. Of course, that happy little moment didn't last long as he was immediately pushed away.

"Well… whatever. But listen; last night, I got this totally brilliant plan," Rei-sama said, leaning in, prompting the others in lean in as well. "See that blond kid over there?"

"Deidara?"

"No, you dumbass! The really loud, obnoxious one. You know, the one everybody in town hates for absolutely no reason?"

"Oh yeah… that one. Isn't his name… fish cakes or something?"

"Yes. Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto."

"Well, what about him? Everyone hates him, so there's no use in picking on him; he's already at rock bottom."

"Exactly. Everyone hates him, so no one will miss him when we kidnap him!"

This made all of them freeze and stare at Rei-sama as if he had just grown an extra head or three. Kidnap some snot nosed little blond punk that everyone hates? Sounded like Rei-sama had been getting into the pot a little early today.

"Uhh… not to undermine you, of course," Kisame said carefully, "but what the hell are we gonna do with a blond brat?"

"I wasn't done yet!" the shadowy boy snapped, glaring at the surprisingly fish-like man. Kisame quieted, deciding to wait until Rei-sama was done. Maybe this would make more sense once they heard the rest.

"Any more questions?"

They all shook their head silently.

"…Good. Now, do you see that lame red-haired kid over there?"

"…No?"

"You know the one… Temari's brother, a total gothtard, I think he hangs out with your brother, Itachi."

"Angst hunts in packs."

"His name is Gaara."

"We're going to kidnap him, too."

They all looked at Rei-sama again, waiting for him to go on. They waited. And waited. And waited some more. When no answer came, Kisame decided it was time to speak up.

"….And then what?"

"Well… I think… I think I want to take something out of them," Rei-sama said, biting his lip. The truth was, this had all come to him in a dream.

"….It's not their virginity, is it? Because I don't want that, unn."

"No no! God damn you, Deidara, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Unn."

"Stop that!"

Kisame shook his head and glanced over at Itachi. The Uchiha didn't seem to be bothered at all by the idea of kidnapping teens. In fact, he didn't even seem to be awake. Kisame waved a hand in front of his face, wondering if the younger teen had fallen asleep with his eyes open.

"What?" Itachi asked, looking at Kisame.

"Nothing…"

Rei-sama and Deidara finished their 'fight' and went back to the business at hand.

"All right, so Deidara and Sasori; you two are going to kidnap Gaara. Kisame, Itachi; you two are going to get Naruto. Understood?"

"When, exactly, are we going to do this?" Sasori asked, not looking particularly interested.

"As soon as possible. You're all on your own."

Hidan and Kakuzu glanced at each other.

"What about us?" Hidan demanded, a slight frown on his face.

"You two… You two can just… do something; I don't know. Get a place ready for us to take the little brats to."

"Right."

And so, the cheerleading gang kidnapped two unsuspecting teenagers and attempted to exorcise something – demons? – out of them. Of course, this was through violent means, and they were soon found and arrested by a female cop with huge boobs and a male cop in a mask with one eye.

Akatsuki was in jail, and Sasuke ended up in jail as well, after he tried to shoot Naruto in the head. Naruto was in the hospital for weeks.

Orochimaru also ended up in jail on charges of child molestation, and a young boy named Kimimaro was adopted by a man named Iruka who worked at Seaworld teaching the dolphins.


	2. New Girl

I feel in love with this horribly cracked-out idea, so I bring you another part of this mess. Enjoy.

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**Drama, Angst, and Nail Polish!  
The Unneeded and Unwanted Sequel: New Girl**

**  
**

"And we have a special announcement today for all you lucky… 'dudes' – is that the right word? Dudes? Yeah, that's what I thought – for all you lucky 'dudes' out there," the voice on the morning announcements blared out. It was a teacher who read the announcements anymore; students had once been allowed to, but after a few… mishaps that was quickly abandoned.

Still, the announcements were a time of peace for the students. They were a time for all of the still half asleep teenagers to slouch down and completely ignore the inane ramblings of a senile old man. However, they perked up – some in fear, some in some other disturbing emotions better left unsaid – with the 'lucky dudes' comment.

"Are you all listening…? We have a new transfer student! Her… er… his? Um… The name is King Princess Gregory Sunshine Moonbeam the Twenty-Third! And, uh… she? The King... Princess... King-Princess will be in… every class that Uchiha Itachi has. That is all."

The P.A. system went off, leaving a feeling of dread lurking about in Itachi's stomach. The King-Princess was going to be in every class with him..? It sounded like some horrible, sick, disgusting joke. He turned his head towards the door, just in time to see her prance in through the door.

She opened the door daintily, as if merely opening it like a normal human being was below her. Golden eyes sparkling freakily, she batted her lids as she walked, a hand reaching back to throw long, raven, glowing, super-natural tresses over her shoulder. Itachi noticed that her shitty-ass clothing was from Hot Topic or something similarly gothtard-ish like that, and that she was completely against the dress code.

"Hello, I am-"

"Miss Moonbeam!" the teacher shouted, interrupting the honey-golden flow of her words. She flounced over to him, spreading sparkles as she went. Kisame, who had a seat in the front row despite being taller than over half the class, had no where to run as the sparkles got close to him.

He tried in vain to shut his eyes and turn his head away from the assault, but they were too quick. The sparkles were everywhere, some landing directly in his eyes.

"Shit! Those things are sharp!" Kisame cried out, scraping the little demons off of his flesh and carefully attempting to yank them out of his eyes.

"Yes, seen-say?" the sue – uh, King-Princess asked.

"…What did you just call me?"

"Seen-say, of course!"

"What?"

"Seen-say!" She was beginning to get annoyed; it was so blaringly obvious that she was smarter than the teacher.

"..Could you spell that, please?"

"Yeah! Ah-dur!" Gregory Sunshine sniffed disdainfully, then closed her eyes as she spelled it out. "S-E-N-S-A-I, Seen-say."

"Oh, you mean 'sensei'." The teacher, still nameless, pointed out.

"Tch yeah, but that's only how, like, total bah-kahs who don't par-lay Japanese pronounce it," she said, butchering at least three languages in one sentence alone.

"…Right. Anyway, Moonbeam, your clothing is violating not only the dress code, but the very idea of fashion," the teacher said, completely honest and calm. "I mean, do you even see what you're wearing?"

"…What's your point?" Gregory answered rather snobbishly.

"The point is, I'm giving you a detention."

"NANNY???"

"…Should I even ask about this one?" Ah yes, the teacher could definitely feel a head ache coming on.

"Nanny! You know… 'what'? Come on, man! Do you know anything?"

"Nani… It's pronounced, 'nani'." He rubbed his temples with his index and thumb fingers. "Nevermind. Just sign this detention slip and take your seat right next to Itachi; it's the one with the large 'PLOT DEVICE' sign."

"DUH! I can, like, SEE the seats, and I can SEE my adorable It-ah-chi," she said grumpily, signing something like looked like a bunch of swiggles and stars onto the detention before heading for Itachi.

The King-Princess fixed her demonic golden eyes on Itachi, not noticing that he was completely and utterly engrossed in not paying attention to her. In fact, the young prodigy was rather hoping that if he just ignored Gregory, she would go away. Or at least die.

Gregory sauntered up to the desk next to Itachi, leaning over as far as she could before removing the large sign the teacher had mentioned earlier. She smiled coyly at Itachi, though it went to waste as he was (suddenly) reading a book. Throughout the rest of the class, Gregory went through many attempts to get Itachi to notice her, all ending in failure.

"Lunch time will be the perfect chance to get him!" she thought aloud, snickering as the bell signaling second period rang. That earned her a Strange Look from Itachi, but nothing more as he gathered his things and left the classroom.

The four periods before lunch passed in a blur of pathetic attempts at getting Itachi to notice her and a slew of detentions for her outrageous attitude problems and horrible dressing. Finally, the hour of lunch was upon them, and the sue, though beaten and worn by the unexpected will of Itachi, was certain she would get her way.

Surprisingly, all of Akatsuki had lunch in the same period. Itachi sat down in his usual seat next to Kisame, the King-Princess right behind him.

"So Itachi-chan, why don't we go out for lunch? After all, everyone knows we can randomly walk off during school hours and be expected to come back!" Gregory said, sparkles still radiating off of her.

"Umm… no, we can't," Deidara stated, staring at the King-Princess as if hoping she would suddenly transform into something that could be said to have signs of intelligent life.

"HELLO!! WHO IS THE KING-PRINCESS HERE??" she suddenly screamed, baring her teeth like a wild dog with rabies. No one defies her logic and gets away with it!

"…Were either of you listening to me?" Leader-sama, who had been speaking all through that little exchange, asked. Gregory immediately began to assure him that they had been listening, but Deidara spoke up first.

"We didn't hear a word you said, un!" He replied happily, grinning at the older cheerleader.

"That's what I thought… Well, back to an important conversation, we're all going to have to be at the event being held next week," Leader announced.

"And what event would this be?" Kisame almost sounded a bit scared… He still remembered the horror of Gymnastics for Arthritis.

"It's Break-Dancing for Spinal Cord Injuries. And has anyone seen Sasori?"

They all stopped and looked at each other, save for Gregory who was too busy pouting as the story had suddenly focused on canon characters. Sasori wasn't there…

"Did he get detention again?" Hidan asked, lazily twirling a rosary in his right hand.

"Sasori-danna, where are you, un?!" Deidara suddenly yelled out, standing on his chair to hopefully increase the event of his outburst.

"Like, what does, like, he look like, like?" Gregory asked, glad for a chance to speak again.

"He's about yea-high, un, with bright red hair, about as many facial expressions as Itachi, and he's usually being stalked by this weird kid with paint on his face and kitty-ears," explained Deidara, his hands up on the sides of head to help show 'kitty-ears'.

"Paint on his face and kitty-ears? Who's that?" Gregory asked.

"He's that gothtard's older brother… Un… His name is…"

"His name's Kankurou, and he isn't that bad, really," Kisame said, earning Strange Looks from everyone except Itachi (who was eating). "What?"

"His brother's a gothtard, that's what!" Leader exclaimed.

"Well, Temari's related to him too and we aren't-"

"Helloooo! Can we get back to the problem at hand??" Gregory Sunshine Moonbeam had sensed that the conversation was once again drifting away from her, and had interrupted as quickly as possible.

"…Which would be?"

"Why aren't we leaving the school grounds yet?" she answered, causing a sudden surge of sparkles to fly off her in waves. A few landed in Itachi's salad, which resulted in the Uchiha glaring at his food before pushing it away and standing up.

"Let's go, Kisame," the stoic boy said, walking off as Kisame began to rise.

"I'm coming too, Itachi-dearest!" Gregory shouted, leaping to her feet and flouncing after Itachi.

Almost as soon as the two buddies and the tag-along had left the lunch room, Sasori came in with a grin on his face. Sometime during the school day, he had his clothes; he was now wearing what looked like the accompanying piece to the King-Princess's ensemble. The Akatsuki Cheerleaders stared at him in shock.

"Hey guys, what's up? Have you seen the new girl? She's awesome!" Sasori said brightly, sitting down across from Deidara. The Akatsuki Cheerleaders stared at him in shock.

When none of his pals answered him, Sasori went on.

"I mean, have you seen the way she walks? And she's so strong! Itachi-kun and I had gym with her, and you should've seen the way she kicked the ball! I bet she could beat all of us put together! Wow! And… just looking at her filled me with…" Sasori bent in for this part, a serious look coming on his face. "lluuuuuuuussssssssttttt."

"OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???" Deidara cried out, sounding much like the King-Princess had a moment ago. The blond picked up his lunch tray and slammed it on his friend's head in a mad attempt to make him act like himself again.

"Owies! That hurts!"

"DIE DIE YOU IMPOSTER DIE!!"

Meanwhile, Gregory had finally been able to convince Itachi and Kisame that leaving the school grounds for food was a good idea. They were currently walking out of the front doors, conveniently not running into any school administrators.

"Oh Itachi, look how beautiful the sky is! It's almost the same clear sapphire blue color as my eyes!" Gregory proclaimed, grinning happily as she stared up at the sky.

Her comment caught both Itachi and Kisame off guard, and the two stopped, staring over at her. They both remembered the creepy gold color her eyes had been just a few minutes ago, mostly because she had kept comparing them to golden rays of sunlight.

"…What?" Kisame chose to ask, still staring at the King-Princess.

"Oh, tee hee! I'm so silly! I forgot to mention, my eyes change colors with my moods," Gregory explained. "And… there's one other thing I have to say, too."

The raven haired girl looked down suddenly, her hands clasping together in front of her slight yet curvy body. The whole world seemed to darken as she continued to stare down at the ground.

"I…" she looked up, tears glistening in her emerald eyes. "I… I…"

"What is it already? We don't have all day," Kisame said, getting sick of this witch already.

"I…!"

Before Gregory could finish her confession, a car ran her over, flinging her body high up into the air. She landed a few feet away in a very awkward position, that probably would've hurt if she hadn't just gotten a spinal cord injury.

Itachi and Kisame looked at each other, before deciding that the least they could do was go over to her and make sure that she was really dead. As soon as Itachi had bent down to check her pulse, however, the entire school suddenly rushed out to surround Gregory in her dying moment.

"Itachi… kun…" she said thickly, tears streaming down her cheeks in twin rivulets. Her eyes were a deep purple. "I… don't think… I'm gonna make it…"

The crowd held its breath, staring down at the dying girl.

"I wish… that we had… had more time together." A sudden coughing fit wracked her body, and blood spilled out from between her lips. "I'm… sorry I have… to leave you… like this… I just have one last thing to say…"

Itachi just looked at her.

"I… Itachi! I love you!" With her dying breath, she breathed those last words as she died. Then her eyes shut slowly, sweet death hugging her.

"Nooo!!" Sasori ran forward, tears shining in his eyes. "I'll never forget you… King Princess Gregory Sunshine Moonbeam!! I'll… I'll break dance extra hard for you!"

And, as her presence floated away from the school, things began to turn normal once more. The redundancy that had come about during her death flitted away, and the storm clouds that had started raining flew away, the sun coming back out.

"…What the hell am I wearing? And who the hell beat me?!"

"Sasori-danna, un!"

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Lucky for all of you, I actually might have one or two more chapters that I can add to this, so if you like it... Stick around or something. 


	3. Mother

It was a normal day in the magical, alternate KHSGCCWHBKOEOS. This normal day started earlier, around 11:59 pm or so, but for the needs of the many, we'll just jump in near the middle. And at this 'near the middle' time, the lovely people that we'll be stalking are eating lunch.

The Akatsuki cheerleaders were sitting around their lunch table doing important, manly things such as painting their nails, gossiping, and pondering the essential questions of our time. Because they're smrt, ya rly.

"I need your opinion on something," Leader-sama said, blowing slightly on his nails to help speed along the drying process – this week the color was… blue! B-L-U-E. Brought to you by the letter 'B.'

All the teenagers that made up the cheerleading group looked up, almost in synch. They had practiced this many times before school started, and yet one person always got the timing wrong.

"Deidara! You need more practice!"

"Unnn…"

"Anyway, we need to discuss something…" Leader continued, pausing for dramatic effect as he always did. He waited, leaning over the table, for someone to say something.

Kisame was usually the one that went along with Leader's pauses, but today, he vowed, would be different. The blue man leaned back, folding his arms over his chest and smiling at the world. For once, he wouldn't have to deal with some stupid idea of the Leader's. Like this nail polish, even if it did accent his skin tone.

Everyone was caught in an awkward silence, looking around at each other. Across the nation, people stopped what they were doing and began to simply stare at one another. It quickly spread throughout the world, not unlike a pandemic. Everyone. Stopped.

Except Deidara, but he doesn't count anymore.

There was another exception, though – a torn, crying man, running through the streets of… well, the general area around Konoha, black lines of mascara running down his cheeks. He had long flowing hair the color of strained peaches and he was wearing a long evening gown that was torn in many beautiful places.

It was obvious he was a torn, shared man. Déchiré.

He circled around Konoha for a while, running just outside of the fences. There was no security in Konoha, past their ability to call the police, and that was just too much effort. So no one paid much attention when the man suddenly ran inside the building, carrying a beautiful young baby in his arms.

He burst into the cafeteria, effectively breaking the crazy little looking around thing that had been going on for the last few minutes. Everyone was staring at him now, as he let out a sob and flung his free arm out, pointing his finger accusingly at one, Uchiha Itachi.

"UCHIHA ITACHI," he proclaimed, abusing caps lock while speaking. "YOU HAVE M-PREGNATED ME!"

**Drama. Angst. Nail Polish.**

_**THE THIRD**_

Mother

A new, stronger silence followed the outbreak of this strange, rather effeminate man. The masses inside the cafeteria were torn between staring at Itachi and staring at the still-unknown man… woman? Itachi, for his part, was caught up in his struggle to open the green jello container in his hands. Sir Leader, for his part, was still leaning forward, waiting for someone to move things on.

Sasori was pushing his mashed peas around, wondering why all the food was pre-chewed, while Deidara wondered if someone should tell Itachi that he was now a father and a brother. And somewhere else in the school, Sasuke suddenly jerked up from his studies, knowing that he was mentioned. It turned out that Deidara needn't worry about Itachi.

"YOU! Didn't you hear me??" The mystery man - now referred to as Person C – stalked over to the stoic teen, ready to throw the baby in arms at the boy to get his attention.

Itachi finally looked up from the fight raging between an inanimate object and his hands, a glare settling over his features. This wasn't a normal glare, nor was it his patent-pending I KEEL YOU NOW glare – no, this glare was new and abnormal. It was the JELLO glare.

"Are you listening?? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT."

Now even Kisame was listening. Having abandoned the Leader to his eternal-leaning over, the blue skinned man had nothing left for him but Itachi and the sudden baby. He took one glance at Itachi, then one at Person C.

"Who are you, exactly?" he spoke at length, a creepy feeling of possessiveness coming over him. Like Itachi would do that nasty thing.

The sharky-man's question seemed to bring up some hidden pain from deep within Person C, for he suddenly looked away, unshed tears glistening in his dark eyes. Even the baby held tightly to Person C's chest appeared to be on the verge of sobbing.

"I was once a beauty, the grandest person in all the lands…"

-+-+-+FLASH BA-

"You can't do that yet," Kisame told the author, successfully plowing through the fabled Fourth Wall like a raging wildebeest might beat its way through a wheel of cheese. "You haven't introduced them yet, remember?"

The author did indeed see the folly in doing a flash back scene in this chapter, so – much to the chagrin of Person C – the flash back stopped before it even began. Back to good old-fashioned dialog story-telling.

-+-+-+-BACK TO THE PRESENT+-+-+-+

"And then, I met HIM. Uchiha Itachi." Person C continued as if there had been no flash back interruptions. "He SEDUCED me when I was vulnerable, and he BEDDED me fifty times in one hour."

"Whoa," Kisame muttered, glancing over at Itachi again – only to find that the dark haired Uchiha was back to fighting jello.

"I think it was around the 40 or 50-ith time that I started feeling… the SICKNESS," Person C stated, the air around him growing cold. "The SICKNESS, that crept deep inside me and-"

"Not that I don't like this story or anything, but I all I was interested in was your name," the blue skinned teen said.

"Oh. Well. My name is Anthony."

"Your name doesn't fit, un," Deidara said, and for once, other people agreed with him.

"Anthony is rather masculine, and American," Sasori spoke, shooting a glare at Deidara in warning.

"We aren't in America?"

"No – America isn't cool," Kisame answered. Sasori and Deidara went on each side of him, nodding sagely.

"Really? I always really liked that 'free-speech' thing they had going on there," Anthony stated rather hesitantly.

"Yeah, me too, but Japan is a lot better according to most people on the internet. And the internet never lies."

"Ah! I see now. Yeah. So… my name is Kaoru."

"That's better, un!"

"A lot more feminine, too!" Sasori added, before both he and the blond he was 'partners' with sat down.

"Anyway Kaoru, how the hell did you get pregnant?" Apparently, Kisame was interested in making the story move along a little bit. Weird-o.

"I already told you! THAT MAN DID IT TO ME!" He pointed violently at Itachi, who was (once again) trying to get into the goddamned jello package.

Everyone slid back into silence, Kaoru waiting for Itachi to speak, Kisame wondering if he should open that jello for Itachi, Deidara being himself, Sasori pushing the pre-chewed food around again, other people doing stuff that didn't require speaking, and, of course, Sir Leader still waiting to be acknowledged.

Something had to be done, though, and something was done – Kisame lunged at Itachi with all his strength, tackling the younger teen. Reacting automatically, Itachi began fighting back against his large attacker – his protests were in vain, as Kisame's jaws suddenly clamped down on his wrist, prompting a resounding 'ow' to come from the younger man's vocal cords. Still, the mission was a success – Kisame had the jello cup.

With the ease of a heated piece of paper slicing through chilled snow, the blue man opened it and handed the food to his downed companion.

"Right. Now, you were saying?" Kisame asked as he brushed the newly-gathered dust off of himself. He looked towards Kaoru, but just as the moth-fath… mather was about to respond, someone cut him off.

"I was saying that we need to get cracking on these charity functions," Leader stated, finally moving back from his bent-over position on the table. "I've been thinking, maybe we could do that new 'Shoot Carp in the Barrel for the Bubonic Plague' activity."

All of the cheerleaders looked at their leader, wondering what the hell was going on. They looked between each other before focusing on the crazy thing again. It was Sasori who finally spoke first.

"The Bubonic Plague has been wiped out for… years," Sasori said slowly – it seemed like a good hard slap was going to be in order soon. "Besides... There are members of this group that shouldn't be allowed to handle guns."

"Now now-"

"HEY!" Kaoru shouted, drawing the attention back to himself. He wasn't meant to be a Gary Stu, but as they say 'thiiiings chaaaange.'

"Un?"

"I'm the one with the baby! This should be dramatic, and heart-wrenching! Why am I being ignored??"

"Because, we're cheerleaders – there are more important things for us to do than just listening to some unwed mother, un," Deidara answered, taking a bite of pre-chewed carrots.

"Exactly. Now, you make a charity even for unwed teenaged, male mothers and you've got our attention," Sir Leader assured, smirking and leaning back.

"Really? You know what, that's a great idea… I think I'm gonna go make one right now!"

"Way to go!"

"Go get 'em, tiger!"

"Girl power!"

"Who's saying all that?" Kaoru asked, looking around. Everyone shrugged together, save one person who was slightly behind.

"Deidara!!"

"Unnnn…."

And so, just a few days later a new charity event came about – Shooting Craps for those that suffer M-Preg, and all was well with the world.

THE E-

"You can't end it now," Kisame told the author, once again breaking the Fourth Wall. Twice in one chapter – you know, it only takes three more before the universe implodes. "Where is the explanation? The biology? Did Itachi really have sex with that guy? You can't leave all the readers discontent."

Hmmm… the fish-man makes a valid point. However, why don't we just leave that for another chapter? Shall we say… Cliffhanger? Probably not. Okay.

THE END (Part One)

* * *

Thanks for all the reviews. There's plenty more to come.

-Management


	4. Religion

**Drama!!! ANGST!! Nail Polish.**

_The Finer Points of Religion_

"Seriously, Leader, this is what we gotta do. We gotta go out there, kick some ass, sacrifice some bitches, and totally spread the word."

These were the infamous words spoken by none other than Hidan, a mysterious cheerleader that has, up until now, been known as Sir-Not-Really-Included-In-This-Story. But now! Now, the time has come to delve into the deeply disturbing ideals that make up his own little religion "Jashinism."

Before that, however, it was a perfectly peaceful morning, with birds chirping and people slowly rising from their sleep – somewhere out there, a cow was eating a few chickens, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that this day of all days, one Uchiha Itachi was bed-ridden and… sick.

Sasuke could only stare in dumb silence as his brother sniffed miserably from his bed. In all the years that the younger and less-impressive Uchiha had been alive, his elder sibling had never, ever gotten sick. Until this day.

"Is this a sign of the apocalypse? My perfect brother, sickly?" He snickered behind his hand, until Itachi lobbed his dented alarm clock at the dark haired boy, effectively shutting him up.

Leaving his foolish brother to bleed silently on the carpet for a few minutes, Itachi forced himself into a sitting position, reflecting thoughtfully that his hair was probably a mess. Still, he gathered the will to reach into his dresser and dig around for the sakura-pink cell phone that he always kept close. Like in his dresser.

After pressing a few buttons and shaking his phone a few times (that helped the reception), he held the phone up to his ear, waiting for Kisame to answer his own cell phone.

"Yo… Who's calling me so early?" His BFF's voice made him feel slightly less like death warmed over.

"Itachi."

"You're sick, don't move." With that, Kisame hung up, either on his way to school or on his way to the Uchiha household – Itachi wasn't sure.

He sat in his bed for a while, contemplating life, before he remembered that his brother was still bleeding on the floor and was rapidly getting to the point of 'late to school.' Sighing, Itachi moved out of his bed and went over to Sasuke, kicking the boy a few times before he began moving.

"Uuuhhgggh." Itachi rolled his eyes at the added 'h' on the end of his groan – stupid drama queen.

"You have to walk to school this morning, and if you waste any more time lying there in your own blood you'll be late," Itachi stated in his usual monotone, emphasizing his point with another kick to Sasuke's side.

"Why can't I just drive your car to school? It's not like it's possible to be a worse driver than you," Sasuke replied sullenly, sitting up and rubbing his forehead where it had clashed violently with the alarm clock.

"Because you're only 12, and you're not old enough to drive yet." Oh yes, Itachi remembered canon.

"But… I go to the same school as you."

"…" Shit.

"How old are we? You're in high school, I'm in high school…"

They stared for a moment, bonding in the sudden breach of the fourth wall – damn Kisame, he had made it a trend.

"Well, it doesn't matter, really. You're 16." Itachi spoke in a sudden moment of decisive action. "You're still not allowed to drive my car."

"Why not?!"

"Because you like to eat in cars, and I don't want your grubby little hands all over my nice steering wheel."

And so it was decided, and Sasuke walked to school, his anger for his brother once again rekindled. One day, he would kill him for what he'd done… Oh yes, Itachi would pay for killing their entire family… One day…

Meanwhile, in another part of town, a bible-thumper had just stepped out of an hour long shower, clad in only a towel and looking smug as hell. That would show Kakuzu that he couldn't just boss him around – no more hour long showers his ass! The only problem now was that he was running late.

"Fucking hell!" Hidan declared as he busily began dressing and rushing around his house; it seemed that while he was in the shower, his clothing had gotten together and run off, resulting in his socks being in completely different rooms, his pants in the cellar and his shirt in the refrigerator.

While he was running around like a headless chicken, Kakuzu had let himself in, glaring around Hidan's house in great dislike. The religious teen's parents had hired him to take care of their expenses (they didn't see this as odd), but no matter how many times Kakuzu had beaten him, Hidan didn't seem to grasp the meaning of 'conservation.'

All the lights in the house seemed to be turned on, the fan in the living room going on full-speed. Kakuzu calmly walked around and turned everything off, making his way back to the main room just as Hidan was putting on his shoes.

"…" He didn't need to say anything but 'ellipse' and Hidan knew exactly what he was implying.

"Why the hell does everything have to be my fault, huh? Maybe my parents left all this shit on," the blond defended, crossing his arms over his chest.

Kakuzu just rolled his eyes and punched the younger man in the face before dragging him out of the house by his ankles.

"We're going to be late now."

"Hey! Fuck you, let me go!"

Kakuzu casually tossed his friend into the back seat of his car, right on top of the corpse that he'd been meaning to get out of there for the past few weeks.

"Oh Jashin! Shit, this thing reeks!" Hidan whined as he bolted out of the back, clambering into the passenger seat. "Don't you clean those things up?"

The larger, arguably creepier of the two said nothing, merely driving in silence – and for a while, that silence was golden. It was, however, bound to break, and since it was a well-known fact that Hidan couldn't keep his mouth shut for more than two minutes, Kakuzu wasn't very surprised the blond started in again.

"You know what you need? A good reli-"

"No. Shut up, I don't need your damned god… Jason or whatever his name is," Kakuzu mumbled, praying to every god but Jashin that this drive would go by quickly.

"His name is Jashin!" Righteously offended, Hidan huffed and crossed his arms, sulking into a corner of his chair and staring out the window. And for a split second, when Kakuzu glanced over, he could've sworn Itachi's little brother had somehow snuck into his car.

And dyed his hair blond. Which Sasuke had done once, for some mundane, sad reason that had to do with his poor, tortured soul… Or something like that.

Anyway, they arrived at the school parking lot, with many of the laws governing traffic still intact – Kakuzu had passed his driving test the first time, and with flying colors. He even had a little certificate proclaiming that pasted on his wall.

When the two reached the Akatsuki 'hang-out' place in the front yard of the school, they noticed the absence of a few things, most notably common sense. And Itachi.

"Kisame, why're you here without Itachi, un?" Deidara asked; it seemed that the cheerleaders had been waiting for the last two members to arrive before beginning their conversations.

"…I don't know." Kisame seemed a bit dazed and confused without Itachi. Which didn't make sense, seeing as Itachi never contributed to conversations or, really, life in general.

Leader, for his part, didn't seem to want to continue his schemes of… scheme-ity without the Uchiha there to say absolutely nothing.

"I don't know what we're going to do today, gang," he said slowly, looking around at his companions. Of course, in his mind they were labeled as minions, but they weren't really getting paid for anything. Yet.

All across the table – for that's what their 'hang-out' place was, a decrepit table that Itachi's grandmother had built when she was a cheerleader at Konoha – the members of the group went through various stages of shock and… not-shock. In fact, Deidara, Leader decided, was the only one that looked thoroughly shocked.

"I ate a live squirrel on the way here," he announced, smirking as all eyes were suddenly on him. The looks were all WTF-ish now, but it was the thought that counted.

"I have an idea!"

Who had said that?! Who had done the miraculous deed of speaking up?! Could this story be saved from the boring-ness that is Akatsuki with nothing to do?!?

Probably not. Still, it didn't hurt to try.

"Yes, Hidan?"

"Seriously, Leader, this is what we gotta do. We gotta go out there, kick some ass, sacrifice some bitches, and totally spread the word."

"The… word?" Leader looked a bit dumb-founded; not only was this the first time somehow had actually just called him 'leader,' but this was his first encounter with religion.

"Yeah! The word of Jashin," Hidan replied, nodding happily.

"Who cares about Jashin, un?"

"Everyone should!"

"And if we don't?"

"Then you're a godless heathen that's going to burn in hell for all of eternity!!"

The blond's latest declaration brought a sullen silence to the group. As most silences did, it spread quickly and all of Konoha was bathed in a golden silence. Then,

"Who here can live with that?" Leader asked, looking around the table. As a unit, they all held up their hands. Except for Deidara, who was a little late in putting his hand up, and Hidan, who doesn't count.

"Well, that's that. Now, on to more important topics of discussion…"

"I fucking hate you all."

* * *

Yeah, boring chapter, mostly there to introduce Hidan and Kakuzu.

Anyway, the reason I'm actually putting an author's note here? I wanna know something from all you people reading.

Would you rather have the next chapters be:

1. introductions to Zetsu, Tobi, and Blue-Haired-Corner-Lad (Lass?)

OR

2. the party chapter and the secret past of the Uchihas?

They're both coming up soon, just depends on what order I put them in. I'm kind of leaning towards 1 right now, but half of 2 is already done…


	5. Party

So here is it, democracy in action! I give you:

Drama! Angst! And Nail Polish!

**Party  
**

Uchiha Itachi had a house. This is, I'm sure, not unexpected or surprising news. Hopefully. If you thought that Sasuke and Itachi just had rooms sitting around on the ground outside somewhere, detached from reality and a building… you were wrong.

Now, most lucky people have houses, even if they are tiny one-room apartments with a bathroom connected to a kitchen. There are a few people, however, that are just too good for their toilets to be next to their stove; for those people, there are rather large houses. Rather Large Houses tend to have such things as lawns and separate rooms, and sometimes even a basement!

But Uchiha Itachi wasn't just one of those few people… He was in an elite group known only as 'very few people.' And these very few people didn't have just Rather Large Houses, or even Slightly Large Houses – oh no, they had full out Large Houses.

Deidara had been contemplating this thought for quite some time now – you might not know it, but he was really a math wiz – and had come to only one conclusion:

An invasion was required.

And that was how Itachi ended up being woken at three in the morning to the sounds of cheerleaders giggling as they proceeded to break-and-enter his house. But I get ahead of myself. To the beginning!

"Rei-sama," Deidara began, stretched out lazily on the grass. It was Friday afternoon, and the Akatsuki cheerleaders had just finished one of their most vigorous routines yet.

"You know what? You people need to stick with one name for me!" Leader shouted, flinging a twig at the lounging blond. The twig twirled through the air, and would've gotten a gold metal at the Olympics for all the back flips it did.

This isn't the Olympics, though, and all that happened was a collision with Deidara's forehead. Which was actually more like running into a mass of hair.

"…Un?"

"Never mind… What do you want?" It was so depressing being captain of the cheerleading squad.

"Itachi has a house."

"…I'm leaving."

"No wait, un! He has a big house," Deidara stated, sitting up and looking at Rei pointedly.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I've never been inside."

That statement made Leader stop, and seriously think about his life. His life, and his lack of entering Itachi's house. Although he had never noticed before, the Uchiha had never invited him in.

"Hmm… This is a problem; I haven't been inside either." He looked deeply troubled at the idea of not having gone into Uchiha House.

"So I think we should have a surprise party for Itachi there, un!" Deidara stood up, walking over to share a devious smile with his boss.

"Fine then. You're in charge of getting everything ready and alerting everyone to the new mission – and make sure they keep this Top Secret, especially from the Uchiha family."

The blond cheerleader straightened up, a stern look coming on his face. This was his moment to shine!

"And tell Hidan that my grandmother wants his to stop ripping up Bibles and tossing the pages at her."

Suddenly, the shine was gone, replaced by confusion and utter despair.

"…Un?"

"Yes. She offered to have him over for Christmas one year, and then he just started going-"

"I didn't know you had a grandma, un!"

"Everyone has a grandmother Deidara…" How had he gotten on this squad again?

"Not me."

"…Of course. Just give Hidan the message, will you?"

"You can count on me, un!" Deidara straightened again and gave Leader a salute.

"I'm sure."

_Time Lapse – 13 minutes_

The first name on his list was Kisame, of course. Not only was the blue man Itachi's best friend (and therefore most assuredly eager to cause pain to the Uchiha), he was brawny and would be able to bully the other members into agreeing with Deidara's plans.

Plus, Deidara liked all the fish tanks that Kisame had around his house. He had even made up games to play with them! Oh yes, they were wonderful little fishies, and not even Itachi was immune to their charms, for he was rather fond of a small, red one that was highly anti-social and floated around in corners all the time.

The blond flounced up to Kisame's front door, humming a merry little tune that'd he heard in Mississippi on a misguided adventure to find Huckleberry Finn. Deidara didn't particularly like to think about that 'journey,' but the tune was addicting, and the perfect music to flounce to.

He stopped in front of the door, like good, civilized people are supposed to. However, unlike good, civilized people, Deidara suddenly had a change of heart – why knock and wait for the door to open when he could just climb in through a window?

My god, he was brilliant!!

His course thus decided the cheerleader began circling the house, attempting to open all of the windows. The first window he came to, he had a little bit of trouble working with the screen – there seemed to be no way to get rid of the damn thing. He eventually lost his temper, and kicked the screen, resulting in a rather large hole in the screen and a shattered window.

He was in, and feeling quite devious for all of his efforts.

"Un."

Deidara began creeping around the room he'd thrown himself in (remarkably unscathed), wondering why he'd never seen it before. His eyes roamed across the room, and he contemplated putting them on a leash before realizing that it was just a figure of speech.

And suddenly, with a sudden suddenness that startled him, he and an EPIPHANY!

"OH MY GOD I'M IN HIS PARENTS' ROOM!!"

Ewww, he could almost feel the fishy love-making cells radiating off of the Emperor sized bed, and he swore there were some suspicious looking scales lying in the far left corner of the room.

Now extremely displeased with his earlier choice – a mistake, obviously, that anyone could've made – the blond came to the quick decision to leave this room as quickly as possible, and get on with his mission. Said mission would still go off without a hitch, unless Kisame was sensitive about his parents' room.

Calm in both mind and spirit, Deidara gathered himself and ran out of the room screaming much like a little girl, flailing his arms rather uncharacteristically above his head. This state of panicked flee lead him around the house a few times before running into something rather hard, bulky, and blue.

"I thought I was going to die, koi!!"

Kisame stared down rather perplexedly at the blond now clinging to him, wondering how the hell the hyperactive cheerleader had gotten inside.

"You okay?" The shark-man-boy decided to go for the most obvious question first.

"I was in your parents' room." They both shared a quiver of fear, Kisame simply imagining the horrors Deidara must've seen and Deidara simply reliving the horrors he had seen.

Their shared camaraderie didn't last long, since Kisame was rather adept at pulling himself together after thinking about disturbing things – one got proficient at it knowing an Uchiha.

"So why are you here?"

"I'm here because Itachi has a house," Deidara said, as if that would explain everything.

"You have a house."

"Yeah, but I've been in my house – I've never been in Itachi's house. None of us have."

"I've been in Itachi's house."

The blond looked shocked – betrayed! – horrified beyond all rational belief! How could it be?? This terrible secret, hidden for all these years! And he had never suspected anything, oh what a fool he had been!

"How could you, un?" He slumped to the ground, defeated, melting into a small puddle of unhappy Deidara mush. Kisame, in his infinite patience and understanding, poked the puddle with a fork.

"I didn't think it was that big of a deal," Kisame stated, still intrigued by the puddle. "It's not as though Itachi locks his doors and windows and hides away in his cellar."

"…"

"…He doesn't."

Well, that put a rest to Deidara's theory of Itachi's sleeping habits.

Gathering up his emotional strength, he re-formed and stood his ground, looking at Kisame almost reproachfully.

"Anyway… We're throwing a party at his house! A surprise party!" Deidara seemed to get over emotional trauma quickly.

"You're doing this because you haven't been in his house? Or are you doing this because you hate him?"

"If I hated him, un, I would flick him in the face."

"Odd."

"You in or not?" Conversations were nice, but there were other people he needed to talk to, and Hidan could go on for hours about absolutely nothing.

"Yeah, but first, I must warn you of… _him_." The emphasis on the last word was enough to chill Deidara to the bone, locking him in position like a deer caught by at telephone pole.

"Him…un?"

"No. _Him_."

"_Him?_"

"Yes… _him_ – the one person that lives at Itachi's house, besides Itachi…"

"His little brother?"

"Uchiha Sasuke." Thunder crashed outside, causing a four car pile up a couple of cities away, and some very bad piano music suddenly rang out.

"What's wrong with him? He's just a little gothtard, right?"

"Well, yes, but you don't know gothtard until you've known Sasuke."

"Then I just won't know him, un."

"To know him is the same as to be in his presence."

"Un?"

"He radiates despair."

"…"

"More than Gaara."

"Un!!!"

"Exactly. Are you certain you wish to go through this?"

Deidara looked down, a sullen quiet falling. Kisame reached out and placed his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"No one would think less of you for backing down," he said softly.

"We can't. We have to go through with this." Deidara and Kisame once again shared a moment.

"Prepare yourself, then."

"Un."

_Time Lapse – three hours._

Time passed rather quickly when gathering cheerleaders, Deidara noted, and soon enough he found himself and the entire squad standing in front of Itachi's house. It was night, not the middle of it, of course, but more towards the three-quarters mark.

"Should we go in the front?"

"Maybe we should try the back doors."

"I got into Kisame's house through a window, un!"

"You got into mine through the window too, and you're still going to pay for that."

"Let's just throws rocks at his window and hope of them breaks it."

"Your mom."

"What was that?!"

While all of this pointless talking was going on, Sasori was just staring at Itachi's house. He had already been inside the Uchiha Home, and therefore wasn't as excited as nearly everyone else, but Sasori was rarely ever anything. It was because of this apathy that he spoke the voice of Go– I mean, reason.

"Let's just pick the locks on his doors."

Or not.

Well, that idea got them all excited, and so it was that by three in the morning they had succeeding in both waking up the Uchiha household – all of two people – and breaking into the Uchiha Home.

"What are you morons doing?" Oh that Itachi! Just a little ray of sunshine and love.

"Breaking into your house, un!"

"I wouldn't put it that way…"

"Why haven't you ever invited us over you fucking prick??"

Then, a miracle occurred – Itachi showed an expression for once and rolled his eyes, stepping out of the door way to allow the pack of rabid cheerleaders into his house.

Almost immediately, they began spreading out to different parts of his house. Leader, however, stayed behind long enough to give Itachi some orders.

"Make some popcorn, put in a movie, and call us when all that's done."

Trusting his cheerleader to do his bidding, Rei-sama swept off in a flurry of mysteriousness, leaving Itachi standing by himself.

Only not really, because Kisame was still standing with him.

"You okay Itachi?"

He nodded slightly, and walked off towards the kitchen, leaving the fish to fend for himself. Knowing Itachi's house like the back of his foot, Kisame went to the living to pick out a movie, only to find that Sasuke was sitting in there, watching television. The younger boy looked when he entered but said nothing. Just stared. Like a creep.

"You mind if we watch a movie in here?"

"You're one of my damned brother's friends, aren't you?" Whoa, hostile.

"…Yeah."

"I fucking hate him."

Kisame sat down, looking at the spiky haired brat. "Why do you hate your brother so much?"

Sasuke tensed, and dramatically looked down, and Kisame was suddenly very afraid of what was to come next…

* * *

Oh yes, I hope you enjoy waiting. However, the next chapter is written, so let's say… I'll post next Sunday. 

Thank you for all the reviews, it's very inspiring, and helps me write semi-quickly.

With love,

-Management.


	6. Secrets

**Secrets**

"So you want to know why I hate my brother so much," Sasuke murmured, eyes narrowed. His lips barely moved. "Is that it... Kisame?? You want to know???"

Kisame blinked, wondering what the hell was wrong with his friend's little brother. Damn, Itachi had his strange moments, but this kid took the cake. It was just a question; Kisame didn't really care that much. But… maybe it was something big, something important… Hopefully it wasn't Itachi breaking his doll or stealing eyeliner.

"Yeah."

Sasuke glared at the anti-climatic answer. With all the drama he'd thrown into those last few questions, he'd been hoping for a bit of shock, maybe some sympathy – god knows he loved attention – but… shit. Nothing.

"Fine… I'll tell you. It was many years ago…."

The shark like teenager-ish man grinned toothily, hugging a pillow to his chest. He was definitely ready for a good story, and good stories are always set in the past. The blue skinned man leaned forward….. and nothing happened.

They sat like that for a few moments, Sasuke with a dramatic half glare, half eyebrows raised, half squinty eyes, half disgruntled mouth, and Kisame, grinning and leaning forward like some pedophile about to touch a juicy little behind.

Nothing happened. Again.

"You gonna tell me?" Kisame finally asked, getting sick of the position he was sitting in. After all, it was only comfortable while someone was telling a story; out of story time? Big no-no. No one sits that way. No one.

"We just have to wait a little while… it should be happening soon." Sasuke answered, concentrating on keeping that half-half-half-half look on his face. That look… the look of story tellers and constipated Weiner dogs.

"…You talking?"

"No! GOSH I KNEW NO ONE UNDERSTOOD ME!" Sasuke suddenly cried out, angst billowing in like a mighty storm or a stench so tangible you could taste it.

It was once again time for Kisame to blink and wonder where he went wrong in his life as Sasuke went quiet and closed his eyes. The older… boy considered asking what was wrong now, but noticed the clenched fist of his young companion and wisely said nothing.

Sasuke recovered from his inner-bitch-fest in a surprisingly short amount of time, considering he was an Uchiha.

"You okay?" Kisame finally dared to ask, a thoughtful frown on his face as he looked at the younger kid. He was suddenly horribly glad for Itachi's lack of facial expressions – nay, lack of a personality, for the most part. Very, very glad.

"Yeah… I'm fine…" The dark haired teen answered quietly, still recovering from the rant. It had been a good one; he'd have to remember it for later.

"What were we waiting for earlier, then?"

"The flashback." The youngest, and by-far less perfect, Uchiha had jerked his head up, eyes peering hatefully up through spiky bangs. They stared at Kisame's eyes, initiating a staring contest without the consent of either Kisame or Sasuke.

The two stared for a moment… for two moments… three moment… Kisame blinked.

_"Ohhh totally owned!" Sasuke's left eye shouted._

_"Total pwnage," his right eye agreed, and then the story went back to reality and the butchering of canon._

"The… the flashback?" The sharky asked, wondering what kind of acid this kid was on. It had to be one hell of a trip. Grinning, the man started moving his hands around in loops in front of his body.

"…What the hell are you doing?"

And thus, his mission to confuse and disorientate Sasuke-kun-wai-wai ended before it truly began.

"Nothing. What flashback were you talking about?"

"Right. The flashback… Well, when I said 'it was many years ago', that should've been the cue for the flashback to start. You know, ripples in physical existence and such, and then white framed pictures? Usually adorable or angsty?"

"Oh." In truth, Kisame was just wondering what kind of acid this kid had been on in the past. It sounded like he'd gone on some crazy trips.

"But for some reason… It isn't working right now."

"Does it usually work right after you've inhaled a powder or drunk a few bottles?"

"…No. It usually just happens."

"Just… happens. So we should wait?"

"No. The time for waiting is over."

"You're a very negative person."

"Just shut up! I'll tell the story, and hope that it somehow transitions into a badly narrated flashback. It's the easiest way to tell things that happened in the past."

Kisame thought on this, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Maybe flashbacks were real… he'd only heard of them in myths, and TV shows, and, you know, bad fanfictions. But mostly in television shows. And Kisame was not a television show.

"Maybe I should try?" Kisame was well aware he was not a television show, but anything was always worth a shot.

"Yeah… I guess. Maybe it's just pissed off at me for some flashback I make it do."

Kisame raised a questioning eyebrow at the teen.

"You don't wanna know."

"Right. Well, anyway… shall I try it? If it works for me, it'll most likely work for you."

"Worth a shot."

"Okay… So last summer, when I met your brother…"

FLASHBACKLOL

"Oh god! Kisame! Yes yes yes… Harder! Har-

"That's enough!!" Sasuke's voice suddenly rang.

ENDOFFLASHBACKLOL

Kisame grinned, happy to have mentally scarred yet another person. His mission in life was slowly becoming a reality…

"Jesus, were you two at a band camp??" Sasuke felt like his eyes were melting, and wasn't sure if he could ever get rid of the sound of his older brother… ugh.

"No, no. Nothing like that."

"Then why were you – you know what? I don't care. I don't care, and I don't wanna know." After all, he was already scarred beyond repair. He didn't need anymore reasons for therapy this hour.

Kisame, for his part, just snickered.

"Right. So we know that the flash back thing works. You gonna try it again now?"

"Yeah… I'll try to cue it again."

"By the way, is that gay little star and swiggle thing gonna be there every time we go through this?"

"No. Well, it depends on the person who makes the flashbacks. Sometimes they're even worse than that."

"Yikes."

"Yeah. Hopefully, it'll just be a line or something."

"A line. I can deal with that."

"Yeah. Okay. So as I was saying… It was many years ago…."

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Finally, our annual yacht trip is upon us! I'm sure-"

"I think it's working now, Sasuke!" Kisame cried out, for the sake of pissing the boy off. He was allowed to have some fun now and then.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"God damn you, Kisame! Now I see why Itachi likes you; you both share a common love of ruining my life!" Melodramatic. Again. Yawn, Sasuke, yawn. It's getting really old, you big baby.

"Heh heh heh… you gonna go back now?"

"….It was many years ago…"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Finally, our annual yacht trip is upon us! I'm sure this year will be the best; after all, we are sailing up to Antarctica to hunt penguins," Fugaku proclaimed loudly, patting Shisui on the shoulder. His voice was almost jovial, though a distinctive grimace was on his face.

Itachi and Sasuke stood side by side, the little boy clinging to Itachi pants leg.

"Are you sure you want to stay home and watch the little brat?" Shisui asked Itachi, looking almost regretful.

"We can just drop little Sasuke-wai-wai-chan off at the daycare," Mikoto said, patting her duck-butted little son on the head.

"Honey, I told you to stop calling him that… It makes my ears bleed to hear it," Fugaku said, cleaning up the small rivulets of blood from the sides of his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry dear. But it's just such a cute name! Nonetheless… Itachi, someone else can always baby sit Sasuke for the month," his mother reiterated, perhaps just to hear herself speak some more. She didn't get many chances with Fugaku as a husband.

"It's fine, mother," Itachi answered smoothly, the same dead look on his face as always. Even as a younger teen, he wasn't all that interested in moving the muscles of his face.

"Well… if you're sure."

"He's sure, now let's get this party started!"

And so, the Uchiha family got onto the boat, not knowing that would be the last time they would step on dry land. The yacht pulled out of the harbor, ran a red light, and went out into the open sea. Itachi and Sasuke stood together, watching as all of their family sailed away from them.

"Gee big brother, I hope that the ship doesn't run out of gas and strand them out in the middle of nowhere," Sasuke said, sucking on his thumb. Itachi cast him a strange look, but said nothing.

The ship was still in clear view when a freak accident was set in motion. No no, it wasn't in the water… it was in the sky.

A helicopter lifting a giant glacier to Antarctica ran into a super huge rooster. You all know what happened next….

The helicopter exploded, the bird died, and the glacier landed right on top of the yacht, crushing thousands and injuring hundreds; the surviving Uchihas drowned in the ice cold waters.

The clan was no more… save for two.

Sasuke was sobbing, but Itachi didn't let him try to swim out to where the rest of his family was dying.

"Foolish Little Brother… you are too weak to save them. You can do nothing."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

"Shut ur face!!11!!!"

"What?"

"Nothing."

Sasuke sniffed, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt.

"Big brother… some ice cream would make me feel better."

"No sweets."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And that's how Itachi killed my family, and ruined my entire life," Sasuke concluded, unshed tears glistening in ebony eyes.

And Kisame stared…. And stared… And stared some more… And continued the abuse of ellipses… and stared.

"But… Itachi didn't really do anything…" Kisame stated.

"SHUT UP! I HATE YOU AND I HATE HIM!"

Sasuke ran out of the room, and flew up the stairs to his room, leaving a confused Kisame wondering if Sasuke needed some mental help.

But Itachi came in with the popcorn, and all was forgotten.

* * *

Oh man, I feel like I've waited my entire life to post this chapter. It was one of the first one I wrote so long ago. 

Thank you to all those who review, and those who read. Makes me feel fuzzy inside. And other places.

Anyway, I'm not usually big on author's notes, so I just wanted to say that I'm gonna start making the chapters longer.

-Management.


	7. Spring

"W-Wait!" the petit blond cried out, stretching his hand out in front of him. His big, soft, feminine orbs brimmed with unshed tears, testament to the deep feelings he had for the dark haired man slowly walking away from him.

"We can work it out!" Naruto pleaded. "Just give me another chance!"

But the dark haired youth didn't look back, merely shook his head and hid the single crystal tear that slide down his perfect, pale cheek. Naruto fell into sobs as the love of his life walked away.

"ZETSUUUUU!!!!"

Drama! ANGST! Nail Polish!

_Spring_

Ahhh yes, the fabled 'spring time' had finally come to the mystical land of Konoha. Everywhere birds chirped, bees hummed, and rabbits did the nasty. Young couples sighed in ecstasy, and an endless supply of sakura flowers fell from the sky, a diagonal wind giving it just the right angle to fall from.

People were giddy. People were happy. People were in love. Except for one group of surprisingly depressing kids.

"Look at them over there," Sir Leader said in disgust, crinkling his nose and fighting the urge to move his hands around – it would mess up Kisame's nail polishing if he moved. "Moping as if the world had just run out of cheese."

Choosing to ignore the slightly… odd choice of analogies from their illustrious leader, the cheerleaders turned as one towards the group in question.

"Deidara!!"

"Unn?"

"You did it!"

They all looked shocked for a moment, realizing what had just happened. His timing! It had been flawless! If turning was an Olympic sport, Deidara had just received the gold!

"Way to go buddy!"

"I knew you had it in you!"

"…"

"Die in a fire."

Oh yes, besides that group, there were a few others who hated spring. One was Uchiha Itachi. Now, you might be confused by this, because who doesn't like having affections lavished on them? Well, the answer to that rhetorical question would be Itachi! He hated people, he hated his brother, he… mildly tolerated Kisame. Touching was out of the question, and that's all girls wanted to do during the spring.

And Sasori hated the spring. It wasn't because of the mushy-gooshy love feelings, or the fact that flowers bloomed during the spring. No… it was much more sinister than his secret want to kill all plants… it went back to when he was a young child in Suna.

-----Flash-----

A smaller (not by much) Sasori played on a swing set, happily going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And back again. Cheery blossoms fell here, even in the middle of the desert, and though he didn't particularly like plants – it went back to when he was an even younger child in the wheat fields – he didn't mind it.

In fact, things were going swingingly, if you'll forgive the pun, until a shadow fell over the playground. It was a shadow that would change his life forever.

This shadow belonged to a young man named Tom. He was picked on for having such an American and unoriginal name, which had in turn made him into somewhat of a bully. And as a bully, seeing a small child being happy was simply not something he could allow.

"Hey punk."

"My name isn't-"

Before little Sasori could even finish his sentence, he was pushed off the swing, onto the cold, hard ground.

"WRRRRRRRRRYYYYYY??????" he cried in dismay.

"Because."

And then Tom threw sand in his face.

-----Back-----

Sasori's glare deepened at the memory, an almost murderous look coming across his face. But he soon remembered that he was supposed to be looking at the sad group, and past tragedies were left behind.

Yes, the 'sad group,' otherwise known as that fabled group 'Gothtards.' Thought of as a myth for many a year, it didn't stop practically the entire school from picking on them, and doing horrible, tragic things to them. Like throwing paper, or giving wedgies. Oh, the tragedy!!

Not that they deserved any of that, of course. No no, never. They were MISUNDERSTOOD, don't you see??? No one GOT them, not even their PARENTS. Totally.

Anyway, the cheerleaders, who were definitely cool, stared at this rabid young suicide-oriented group of teens, wondering what the hell was wrong with them. Well, that's what most of them were thinking. Kisame was thinking about buying a new gold fish.

And Itachi wanted to go home, but that's neither here nor there.

The point is, they were being bitchy and mean, thinking mean thoughts and planning to do mean things. Like wedgies, or throwing paper. And this did not go unnoticed by the black clad children.

"What are they looking at?" Sasuke asked, glaring pointed at his brother. A few of the unnamed, unimportant people looked up from cutting themselves in the direction that the Uchiha was staring, but only Gaara spoke up.

"Hmm…"

"You're right, they're so fucking stupid," Sasuke agreed. Gaara just gave him that well-known 'WTF R U DOIN' look, but seemed used to the Uchiha being a little bit dense.

A staring contest had broken out between the Uchihas, though Itachi wasn't really contesting, just staring while he thought. Occasionally he blinked, but Sasuke always made up some lame excuse for his elder brother. For the sake of sportsman ship, of course.

"What are you all doing?"

Akatsuki turned as almost-one, Deidara going back to lagging behind the group again.

"Deidara, damnit!"

"Unn!"

The world went silent when they all finally looked at the mysterious stranger that had dared to question their mighty, cheerful authority. Rei-sama seemed as though he was about to have an aneurism, until he recognized the teen before him.

"Zetsu!"

A sudden remembrance suddenly came upon the group in a rather sudden, startling way. Zetsu! He'd moved the year before, promising that he would come back one day. And it appeared that day was today! Huzzah!

There is something that needs to be said about Zetsu, first. When he was born, you see, the hospital he was kept in was next to an ink farm. It was a safe, happy place. Warm, comfy, filled with pillows and boobs filled with milk… everything to make a young baby squeal with garbled glee. Until it happened.

It being the horrible accident on the ink farm. Someone got a little carried away with the white and black ink, and soon the rows of black and white ink were overflowing, running in inky rivers towards the hospital.

In a flash, the hospital was flooded, inky colors swirling about and staining the halls and everything else that it touched. And a little baby named Zetsu was positioned just conveniently enough that half of his skin was dyed white and the other half black.

And he dyed his hair green. The freak.

The black and white boy looked at the group, remembering why he had been happy to randomly leave schooling for half a year to go on a safari in Africa. He was a cheerleader back here. He was a weirdo back here…

Just as he was thinking, Deidara somehow managed to fall off of his chair and bring about twenty other people down with him. Zetsu cringed at the blond.

He was surrounded by idiots back here.

-----Sparkled Time Lapse-----

Sasori glared at Zetsu out from the dark, mysterious corner of the room. He'd somehow managed to get the little Goths out of the way long enough for him to take over. Take over and evviiiillllyyyy glare at the planty menace known as Zetsu.

But really, Sasori's not important right now. His day will come! But not soon.

What's important is Zetsu, standing in the middle of the room with indoor rose petals falling him on like cherub nectar. Oh yeah, he was quite the lady's man. Well he would be, if his skin didn't resemble a deformed zebra.

Just as the green haired teen was beginning to wonder where the teacher was, the door to the class room was thrown open, a sinister presence filling the doorway. It looked around slowly, before its deep, scary gaze landed on Zetsu. And it pounced!

"Zetsu!!" Oh shit.

Zetsu was tackled by an emasculated Naruto, because that's the only way Naruto can be cute fluffy-wai-wai. And that's totally in character for him. But I digress. This clingy, almost vomit inducing flower stuffed Naruto nuzzly-wuzzled his love bear.

"I thought you were going to leave me forever!"

"I only wish I had."

"NANI??"

"…" That joke hasn't gotten old yet.

"I love you!"

The entire class room gasped, save for Sasori who looked even more offended than normal. It was almost as if Zetsu represented all the plants in the world in his deranged, plant-hating mind.

While everyone else was in shock, because two guys getting together is just weird and little discomforting, Zetsu seemed to be completely calm. Seemed to be, however, isn't the same as 'was calm.' He bit Naruto. Hard. On. The. Arm.

"AHHHHHHHH."

"…" There wasn't much else Zetsu could say, flesh in between his teeth and all.

It didn't really seem to be the best solution, though Naruto calmed down rather quickly after that. He'd probably just eaten some bad sushi or something. Naruto was crazy, not cuddly.

However, the blond passed out from shock, and soon enough Rei-sama came in to collect all his little cheerleaders.

"Oh Zetsu, you're so lucky!" Leader all but cooed, "you're back just in time for the Bake out in the Sun for Skin Cancer event!"

Dear god, he hated his life.

* * *

Yeah, not my best, but there are good things in store, I swear it! This was my sad attempt at a parody of all the batshit crazy yaoi fics, where one character turns into this… thing. This mushy, gooshy, creepy thing that is neither male nor female.

Well, I wanted to apologize for the lack of update-age. School is over soon, so expect updates to be more… frequent?

By the way, I literally squealed at my reviews. You guys rock my pants.

-Management.


	8. Science

Drama! Angst! And Nail Polish!_ **  
**_

_**What has Science Done?!?!?!**_

The Akatsuki cheerleaders were all sporting sunburns all over their bodies. Well, it was actually only Deidara who was **completely** covered, but the others had worn Speedos. No one was certain why, exactly, Deidara had decided that clothing just wasn't for him the day they had to bake in the sun for skin cancer, but it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that the Akatsuki cheerleaders were now little miss grumpypants, huffing in their own corners and glaring at the teachers that dared to interrupt their suffering. Even Itachi had given in to the urge to sulk, though he did it a bit more tastefully than his younger brother.

At the moment, they happened to all be in the same class together – Science. It wasn't called Biology or Psychology or Chemistry, mostly because of severe budget cuts. Every science known to man had been placed in one class.

"Welcome to Science!" a sinister voice cackled. From the shadows behind the teacher's desk emerged a dark haired man with bright, creepy gold eyes wearing what appeared to be make-up stolen from a drunken hooker.

All the cheerleaders went stiff, staring at the man claiming to be a teacher.

"I'm the substitute for the day."

All right, claiming to be a substitute teacher. One of the other, unimportant and therefore unnamed students noticed this group-stiffening.

"What's wrong with you guys?"

They all turned as one and gave a dirty, nasty glare to the student that dared to talk to them. If he didn't have a name, he wasn't cool enough to talk to them!

But then they realized that this was actually a girl, a girl named Ino, and she actually **was** important enough to have both a name and an explanation for their actions. The author apologizes for the earlier mistake.

"Well, that guy used to be part of the Akatsuki Cheerleaders, un," Deidara stated ominously, a shadow darkening over him. "Until one day…"

All of the students in the classroom stared back at him, waiting… Even Orochimaru, standing at his desk, had stopped to allow the flashback to occur.

Yet nothing happened.

"The damn things must be broken again," Kisame muttered, earning himself a questioning glance from Itachi. He dared not elaborate – he hadn't worked up the courage to tell Itachi that he knew how he'd killed his family.

Even if it wasn't actually Itachi's fault that they were dead. Anyway.

"Unnnn…" Deidara flailed in dismay. Oh woe! Quelle misery! He would rather be maimed by a bear than suffer through the pain of a broken flashback.

"Oh shut up!" Leader proclaimed in his proclaiming voice. "I'll tell the story, so just STFU and GTFO."

"Who taught you to talk like that?" asked Sasori. It was hard enough to believe that their glorious leader learned how to put on pants by himself, let alone memorize acronyms.

"IDK, my BFF Jill??"

"Who the hell is Jill?"

"…IDK."

Somewhere in a far off city, a young girl named Jill began crying as her long lost love forgot about her.

"So Orochimaru was once part of our clique…"

* * *

Orochimaru skipped with glee, basking in the feeling of his new uniform gliding over his thighs. Ah, the breeze! It felt so wonderful, playing around beneath his skirt and against his naughty-bits. 

"La la la la la la la!!!!!!!!!!!" He screeched this more than sang it, because it was well known that he doesn't even know what a tune is, let alone how to carry one. In a bucket or otherwise.

Overcome by his joy, Orochimaru made the dreadful mistake of thinking that the rest of the world was happy right with him, and in a fit of delusion brought on by thinking of laughing kittens, he decided to share his joy.

"I think I'll share my joy!"

And so he skipped and skipped, unknowingly skipping right towards his doom.

He knocked daintily on the door, his lip gloss shining in the morning sunlight. His grin only broadened when the unhappy face of Uchiha Itachi greeted him with the opening of the door.

"Itachi-chan! You look super kawaii this morning!" Orochimaru was given no time to react, and no mercy – Itachi pulled the butcher knife out from where he had hidden it behind his back and attacked!

"Nooooooooooooo!!!"

The taller man fell backwards, landing with a thud against the ground. Strands of his once long, glorious hair fell onto his face and the floor, violently cut off from the rest of his head.

Itachi walked calmly over to him and looked down at the crazed, but no longer happy, man.

"I lived…as few men dared… to dreeeeaaaaaaaaam," Orochimaru sighed with his last breathe, closing his eyes to oblivion.

* * *

"…And?" Ino inquired. 

"And what?" Rei-sama seemed insulted that anyone had done something other than hang their heads in silence at his powerful flashback.

"What happened after that?"

"Oh. Itachi kicked him in the stomach."

"Ohhh…" There was head-hanging reaction he had wanted!

"No! That doesn't explain why he got kicked off the cheerleadering squad!" Sakura shouted. Damn, Leader always forgot the point of his stories.

"His hair was lopsided, so we had to get rid of him."

Sakura glared at him, remembering why she kept to her own set of friends at school. People were annoying.

"But, of course, I don't hold it against you," Orochimaru assured, a disturbing smile plastered onto his face. It didn't really help his case at all. Neither did the leer-slash-death-glare he gave Itachi just a few seconds later.

Not that anyone cared about him or his feelings.

"Today, we will be using both highly volatile chemicals that high school students should never even see, let alone play with, and endangered animals in our experiments today."

The students stared at him blankly.

"…?"

The students stared at him blankly. Deidara blinked.

"What?" Orochimaru finally snapped out, getting pissed off at his students being idiots. No one answered. "Fine! Be that way you little brats!

"Well, the animals we'll be dealing with are the endangered Kingdom Krab and the even more endangered Babble Bats, and the even more dangerously endangered Jillba Jumping Jangaroos."

"…Do you mean kangaroos?" Oh random student! When will you learn that you don't matter!? And that you're very expendable!?

"No!" And Orochimaru proceeded to kill him ded. Totally.

"Sir?" A lone voice rang out, disrupting him from the merciless slaughter of children.

"What!" Seriously, he didn't even like children, why the hell was he teaching? Well, because he needed the money. So…

"How endangered are these animals, exactly?" Sakura was the one questioning him, so he was obligated to answer.

"Extremely endangered. In fact, the ones in this classroom are the only ones in the entire world."

"…But this is a high school-"

"Enough questioning! I'm done with your shenanigans! In fact, I frown upon your shenanigans!"

The pink haired girl looked slightly put off, but didn't say anything more, turning instead to glare out the window. Which actually took a lot of work, since she was seated on the opposite side of the classroom from the windows.

"If you're all done being idiots now, there are enough animals for each group to one of every species. As for the chemicals you'll be using…" Orochimaru trailed off, seeing that the rest of the class wasn't really listening very well.

In fact, they weren't listening at all. They were instead throwing paper at each other. Except for Gaara, who was busy listening to his iPod in the corner. Sasori threw a piece of paper at him.

"Class, I'm pregnant and one of you is the father."

Ahhh yes, that got their attention.

"Now that you're all listening-"

"I swear to God, you say that Itachi screwed you fifty times and got you M-Pregnated, I will kill you!" It seemed that the incident with Kaoru had scarred Kisame a little more than he let on.

"No! I was just getting you all to shut the hell up!"

Kisame glared at him, but decided not to speak since Itachi looked a little murderous and he was sitting right next to the Uchiha.

"These chemicals are Dangerous! If you spill even a drop of them on you, they will travel through your bloodstream into your brain, and make you die!"

The students stared at him blankly.

"There is a very high chance that one of you will die this quick, painless, chemical-induced death."

At this point in his teacher-speech, all of the young children turned as a group – sans Deidara, but I'm getting to the point of just saying that he doesn't count as part of the group – to look at one student in particular.

Gaara.

The young red-head looked up from where he had been crouched over his desk, doing dramatically gothic things like painting his nails black. Black like his soul! Black like his metal! Black like his coffee! But he actually enjoyed a little bit of cream and sugar in his coffee.

"Since our resident suicide-boy obviously wasn't listening, let's just move on." Orochimaru hated his creepy, almost-pedophilic life. "Just get into your groups and start the experiment."

"But sir, you didn't-"

"I said enough of your shenanigans!! FIVE POINTS FROM GRYFINNDOR!!"

"…Wrong fandom."

"Shut up and get to work."

The students gathered their Krabs, Bats, and Jangaroos, along with their chemicals, but they were at a loss – no directions on what to do with these things had ever been given. It didn't matter, since they were creative enough to figure it out on their own!!

"Itachi, I really don't think it's a good idea to stab the… Jangaroo," Kisame said soothingly, watching with slight horror as his friend stabbed the critter repeatedly with a pencil.

At another table, Zetsu wasn't having much luck in creating an experiment from the animals and chemicals. He was more of a plants type of guy. It didn't exactly help that he was paired with Sir Leader, either.

"Pitiful creatures, tremble before me and release all of your secrets!!" Oh dear, Leader was using his demanding, scary voice. Alas, it did not work, as the Jangaroo responded by staring blankly and the Krab clamped a claw onto his arm.

"Shit shit! Get it off of me!"

"I think the bat believes I'm a tree," Zetsu stated calmly. He believed this because it was currently roosting in his hair.

"Get me a bucket, un!" Deidara shouted, flinging a fist into the air to make his point even more dramatic. Sasori had opted to let the blond take over this experiment, since he just didn't care one way or the other.

So far, the only thing the cheerleader had done was shout for a nurse to bring him the scalpel and then that demand for the bucket.

When Sasori gave him the wanted bucket, Deidara grabbed him by the shoulders.

"…This is my moment of glory." And then he was off.

And Sasori was slightly worried about the rapidly sinking level of sanity and intelligence in the classroom.

Leaving Deidara to his schemings, back with Zetsu bats had begun to flock to his head – all the Babble Bats in the room save for Deidara's had decided to take up living arrangements in his hair. The question here was how they managed that, considering how short he kept his hair.

Leader, who at this point had three Krabs hanging off of various parts of his body, stared at the wonder.

"Are you going to be a mommy to them now?"

"With all due respect, shut up."

"Aww, Zetsu, don't be mad! I'm sure motherhood will suite you finely!" The wondrous Rei-sama was practically cooing.

"You're even more out of character than usual."

Everyone in the room froze.

"You can't mention things like that!" Someone shouted. Someone unimportant. Unimportant, but correct!

"We can just move on and pretend this never happened," Zetsu decided after a few moments of people staring at him.

And thus, everything was well. Except not, because Deidara had finally gotten his moment of glory.

"Look at it, Sasori! It's beautiful, un!" While everyone had been caught up staring at Zetsu, the blond had been working towards this point… the point that would define his very existence!

"…What is it?" Sasori eyed the misshapen creature residing inside the bucket. It was a strange mixture of Krab, Bat, and Jangaroo.

"It is my chimera!! With the body of a Krab, the wings of a Bat, and the slender thighs and supple legs of a Jangaroo, it was destined to the take over the world!!" And then Deidara laughed, evilly!

"What are you going to call it?"

"…"

"Great name." That was sarcasm.

"Does it matter? Look how cool it is!"

"…Are those fangs? I didn't know crabs had teeth."

"Duh. That was a Krab."

"It's still a type of crab, though."

As their argument went on, neither lab partner noticed what the Krab-Jangaroo-Bat was doing until it was too late – it was flying! Flying with a lust for blood sparkling in its beadly little Krab-eye.

"Sasori, duck!" Deidara cried before tackling the other boy, sending them sprawling to the ground just in time to avoid the massive claws of the inbred creature. Those things could rip a tank apart!

"Oh my god, it's gone plaid!" Indeed, the hideous creature's shell had changed to a plaid coloring. "Run for you lives!!"

As Zetsu made for the door, the Bats shot off of his head, flying back into the room. As the door locked behind them, all the students froze in horror as they heard the sounds of the animal massacre going on inside.

Gaara was the last one to leave the room, holding in his hand one vial of the chemicals that were highly volatile yet had remained unnamed throughout the entire chapter. Just as he had made it out, someone threw a piece of paper at him, so large it knocked him off his feet and threw the chemicals onto Orochimaru.

"OH GOD, OH GOD THE CHEMICALS!!!"

"Do you think the animals will be all right?" Ino had grown rather fond of the Jangaroos, even if she thought they had been given a stupid name.

"I don't know," Sakura answered sadly, shaking her head.

"I WAS WRONG!! THIS ISN'T PAINLESS AT ALL!"

"Only time will tell, un," Deidara said, guilt chewing at his chest like a kitten.

"Don't act like that, I know you don't give a damn." Aww, Sasori always saw through his play-guilt trips.

"Did you have to tell everyone, un?!"

"CALL THE HOSPITAL ALREADY!!"

"How can you not care that you just doomed three species of animals?" Sakura: righteously angered.

"Well, they were stupid anyway."

"Stupid?! How would you feel if someone killed all the Deidaras in the world!?"

"I'd be dead, un, I couldn't feel." Logic. It buuuurrrrnnnnsss us.

"That's not the point!"

"AT LEAST GET THE NURSE!!"

"Jeez, someone likes abusing caps lock." Actually, it's all shift baby.

And thus, Orochimaru fell. He was eventually taken to the hospital where it was revealed in an epic plot twist that the chemicals weren't really going to kill him. It was too late for the animals to be spared, but as Deidara said, they were stupid anyway.

The Krab-Jangaroo-Bat was never found. It is presumed to be at large.

"…What a horrible ending," Itachi said, delivering his first lines all chapter.

* * *

With this special chapter, this story is now the longest one I've ever written. I'm very proud. 

Also, you all are freakin' amazing for all the reviews you left. Sorry for taking so long with this.

Anyway, since it was demanded… -Removes pants. _Might_ be dancing the pants-free dance right now.-

-Management. Who loves you all very, very much.


	9. Crossovers

**Of Crossovers and Internet Junk**

Itachi woke up, and immediately noticed that something was quite… different about his bed. You see, instead of the normal, fluffy pillows and soft, silky blankets and sheets, the usual comfy mattress and cuddly teddy bear, the often-around Mr. Fluffikins the bunny – instead of all that there was-

A staircase.

He was lying on a staircase that he had previously been sleeping on, and that he assumed he had once been walking on. As if to top it all off, it wasn't even his own staircase! No, he could understand that – he often fell asleep on the fuzzy, carpeted stairs of his house – but this was set of stairs he had never seen before. Good thing, too – he thought they were quite gaudy.

Now don't be confused, these stairs were nowhere near comfortable – in fact, one might even say that they were _un_comfortable. They were made out of what looked like Ancient Egyptian stone. Hell, ltachi may as well have been sleeping on a pyramid.

Of course, then he looked around and realized that no, this was no pyramid, because the stairs of a pyramid actually went somewhere. These stairs seemed to lead to nothing but more stairs, and heartache – betrayal of the worst kind, because if you can't trust your staircase, who can you trust?

Before he could further contemplate the depths of sorrow this lie of a staircase took him to, he was distracted by the sudden lurch of the ground beneath him. Now, as you may know, being on a staircase in an earth quake isn't safe for a number of reasons, mainly because –

"Shit."

…you could fall down them. And thus, Itachi began to fall, and fall, and tumble down a never-ending flight of stairs.

Meanwhile, outside Itachi's suffering, Sasuke had just woken up to a bright and beautiful day. The birds were chirping! The skies were blue! The clouds were gathered in little formations that made them look like various barnyard animals! Plus, there was a penguin in his tree making funny faces at him.

Ah yes, it was shaping up to be a wonderful day!

Sasuke sat up in his bed, stretching his arms up towards the ceiling and yawning. He was about to call down to his grandfather who owned the card shop downstairs when he realized that he didn't have a card shop.

Or a grandfather.

Oh, there's the Sasuke we know and love! For a minute there he'd forgotten how his yami had killed his entire family! Silly boy!

The morning passed in a haze of melancholy and angst. It took all of his willpower not to start sobbing as he stared forlornly at the few pictures he had left of his parents. There they were on their honeymoon, his mother grinning and his father… grimacing. And there, on the scuba diving trip where they'd caught that giant turtle-squid. And we can't forget the most precious picture of his parents in their final throes of agony, just before they died.

Those were happier times.

Still, Sasuke had learned to deal with his pain – okay, not really, but he wasn't a fan of runny noses, so he sucked it up and went about his day. With no one alive to really talk to, it wasn't hard.

That was… until he got to school!! Dramatic musiiiic!!

But he wasn't there yet. He was actually just opening a carton of milk and sighing like a heartbroken noodle, so really it was a waste of dramatic music and awesome literary techniques.

After fast-forwarding through his daily routine, Sasuke finally arrived at school! Being such a lone wolf, equipped with devilish good looks and a menacing air, Sasuke was born to be crushed on by any woman with a pulse, and hell, even some without on a good day. Therefore, he wasn't surprised when people began swarming towards him, even when he saw Kisame in the crowd.

"Hey Sasuke."

"…"

"So I was wondering-"

Before Kisame had a chance to move the plot along, hoards of women trampled over the end of his sentence.

"Sasuke! Sasuke!" they shouted in long-practiced unison, "tell us again how you lost your arm!"

Oh yeah, did I ever mention that his right arm was mechanical? Because it totally is.

"I tried to use the ancient magic of alchemy to resurrect my mother."

The crowd hushed, unshed tears glittering in so many eyes. It was heartbreaking, and yet they couldn't help but be even more insanely attracted to the handicapped boy.

"That's also why he doesn't have a little brother anymore," Kisame added. Itachi wasn't the only killer in the Uchiha clan; Sasuke's little brother Alfred had been sacrificed for the greater good of resurrecting his mother. Not that it worked - all they'd gotten was a pile of goo they now kept in the basement refrigerator. Still, it was the thought that counted, right?

"Anyway Sasuke, I was wondering-"

Oh ho ho! This chapter should have been called 'Kisame-never-gets-to-say-anything-important,' because he just got cut off again! Snap, son!

"HEY, BASTARD!" Naruto yelled, successfully announcing his presence. Sasuke looked at the obnoxious blond before quickly coming to the conclusion that he didn't want to put with this today.

"It's time to duel!" he shouted at his foe, who now looked very discontent.

"…What?"

"Itachiiiiii!!"

Suddenly, and with only the shout as warning, Sasuke's body underwent a metamorphosis of epic proportions! He got taller! His hair changed ever so slightly, but just enough to differentiate him from Itachi! His clothes changed! Even. His. Eyeliner. Changed.

Shazam.

"Ah, good, I'd been meaning to ask him to let you out," Kisame stated, glad to have gotten what he wanted. Itachi, looking a little worse for wear as he'd only just been freed from endless tumbling, merely grunted in response and began to move through the crowd. He was resisting the urge to challenge random, unimportant losers to a card game.

Kisame was content to follow behind the eldest Uchiha, at least for the moment. But not forever. Oh no, not today. Today, Kisame had plans for the Uchiha… Evil plans… Tricky plans… Plan-ish plans that he had planned the night before, and all was going according to plan at the moment. Insert evil snicker here, if you so desire.

Wait, false alarm! Everything was _not_ going according to plans, because the dark haired young man had suddenly veered off his path and was heading towards… well, nothing really. Just sort of wandering. But it wasn't where Kisame needed him to wander!

Dread was beginning to set in – if he missed this opportunity, who knows when it would come again! FishMan had to think fast, and act even faster! Only with cunning, and subtly could he bend the Uchiha to his will and see his tactical genius brought to light.

"Hey, Itachi, walk this way," Kisame said, grabbing Itachi's shoulders and pointing the teen in a different direction. The red-eyed killer looked mildly irritated – which was impressive, considering his facial muscles' habits of not moving – but said nothing, content to go wherever it was that Kisame wanted him to.

But the world was not content to allow Kisame to have his way, for it had placed a box in the way of Itachi's path. It was a dark box, a mysterious box. It was a little bit cheap-looking, one had to admit; a little bit this-was-made-out-of-cardboard looking. But it was still there! How ever would Kisame find a way out of this predicament?! What will he –

Oh, Itachi just kicked it out of his way. Which, for some reason, greatly upset Hidan, as he ran after the box calling 'Mother!' He looked stricken, almost like he was about to start crying. Passing odd, that.

Just when conflict seemed out of the way, The World threw another thing into Itachi's path – a notebook! A… Death Note?

Frowning, Itachi leaned down and picked up the seemingly harmless black book. He didn't know what to think of something so childish just lying around KHSGCCWHBKOEOS – whoever put it there was pretty irresponsible. Still, it was at least a tad interesting.

"Itachi… that's a Death Note you're holding… hyuk hyuk hyuk," Kisame stated. Itachi looked at him like he was stupid.

"I can read English."

"All you have to do is write a person's name in there… and they die by boating accident."

"Boating… accident…" Itachi's eyes widened, and he ripped the notebook open. Literally. The front cover fell to the ground, and his mouth opened in shock. Written on the first page was: "UCHIHA FAMILY, SANS ITACHI, SASUKE, AND ALFRED."

The horrible truth was finally out! The person who had previously owned this Death Note had killed his family!

But Itachi really didn't care. He just dropped the book back down on the ground and walked off, leaving a slightly dismayed Kisame behind. Only one phrase could sum up what had just happened for the shinigami-fish-man:

Not just as planned.

Oh well, he'd find something else. And with that, he too walked off.

* * *

The day passed rather quickly, though everyone had been acting slightly strange all day. The oddest part for Itachi had to have been when he walked into the bathroom only to find Sasori ranting about how he would become an angel of death and judge all the criminals that had escaped justice. Itachi had quickly backed out and hunted down another bathroom.

Nonetheless, there he was at lunch sitting with the usual group of cheerleaders. Sasori was actually writing in the notebook Itachi had dropped earlier, and Hidan was, for unknown and disturbing reasons, cooing to the box he called 'mother.' And Deidara was… pretending he was a wizard?

"I put on me robe and wizard 'at, un!"

Sir Leader glared at the blond.

"When did you get that stupid scar on your forehead?"

"Oi, you dun know me? I'm that righteous bloke 'Arry 'Otter!" he pronounced happily, with a terrible English accent.

"Right…"

"Oi oi oi! I got me scar 'ere and evert'ing, un!"

"And what are you supposed to be, Hidan?" Leader decided to move on, perhaps to safer territories. Seriously, some days it seemed like he was the only normal person around.

"Don't. Touch. Mother. Don't even look at her!" Hidan growled, tugging the box closer to his chest. "I'm her favorite."

"…"

"I'll take a chip… AND EAT IT!" Sasori suddenly shouted, dramatically tearing into a comically small potato chip.

"OI! You got yer c'ip on me 'at!!"

Sir Leader wanted to die. Itachi wanted to duel. They were both about to act on those impulses when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in their cafeteria. As a group, the cheerleaders looked over at this great disturbance, which was so disturbing Leader didn't even have time to be proud that Deidara had acted as part of the group.

Those couple of guys were Orochimaru and some white-haired loser with big glasses. Oh yeah, Kabuto. Right.

Leader shot to his feet, his chair crashing to the ground after him. There a passionate anger burning in him that he hadn't felt… well, ever before. It filled him with an intense need to kill the dark haired man in front of him.

"Die monster. You don't belong in this world!" he shouted, very serious-business-like.

"It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh-" Collective gasp from the audience! "-I was called here by… _schoolchildren _who wish to pay _me_ tribute!"

"Tribute?!" Leader scoffed, "You steal teenagers' souls and make them your slaves!"

"Perhaps the same could be said of all school functions…"

"Your words are as empty as your soul! Konoha ill needs an activities director such as you!"

"What is a cheerleader? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk, have at you!"

But before anyone could have at anything, the shrieking sound of a gypsy near death came screaming towards, emanating from… a race car.

The car slid to a stop, swinging to its side as the driver jumped out, his hand sweeping from his side to the front his chest and the camera angle zooming dramatically onto his face.

"Oh Negi, you were wonderful!" Sakura wibbled and flounced as femalely as she could to his side. Before Negi could respond to this decidedly womanly declaration of his awesome, Konohamaru and a monkey popped out of his trunk.

"Konohamaru!" everyone shouted at once, in that 'oh-you-got-me-didn't-you-:D-:D' tone of voice. And the scene froze.

And froze.

And froze for a little while longer…

And kept on freezing, until they finally realized that there would be no fading to black to end the episode.

Everyone just kind of stood there, shuffling his or her feet and looking awkward, purposefully avoiding eye contact with any other person. It was embarrassing, really, the way this chapter just kept going past the hilarious end.

They were really getting their awkward silence on when NINJAS! attacked. Not the silent, stealthy ninjas either, oh no – these were the truly terrifying, screeching ninjas who made stereotypical ninja sounds! A force to be reckoned with indeed.

Naruto at once began to run towards them, understanding that this – this was his destiny; this was the very moment he had been waiting for his entire life! All the days before this one seemed to be a dream, and this the first time he had opened his eyes and seen past the fog of sleep. Enlightenment was radiating throughout his body, a grin on his face as he charged recklessly into danger, knowing he would somehow survive.

This was it! This was his destiny! To kill ninjas! Yes!

But no, before he could run any farther, Sakura grabbed him and he crashed to a halt.

"No! I must kill the ninjas!" Naruto shouted, struggling against the salmon-haired girl's masculine, iron grip. This salmon-haired girl also, coincidentally enough, had a salmon on her head at this time. No one was quite sure where it had come from.

"No, Naruto. You are the ninjas."

And then Naruto was a ninja legend.

* * *

If you don't get some of the jokes, I can handle that. If you don't get the last one, though, google this: "no John you are the demons." Anyway, you guys can guess at all the crossovers and who's who, or I can tell you. Whichever you prefer.

I only glanced through this chapter, so if there are many mistakes, my bad.

Thanks to everyone for reviewing and reading, and sorry this is about a year too late! And check out this sweet action: I actually have a good idea for another chapter, so there might be another update on this before 2009!


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